I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
