did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
