Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
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You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
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I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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