My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
