I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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