Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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