Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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