I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
