Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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