you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
