I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
