shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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