dude i'm inner monologue high
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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