I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
