Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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