He is an equal opportunity slut.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
