Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Randomize
