Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
