So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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