Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Im part way to drunk.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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