So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
