I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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