god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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