I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Is it penis luge time yet?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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