Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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