Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
