Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
