YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
