i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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