i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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