dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
This is my gift to your gina
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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