My nipple is on Facebook.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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