Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
