Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
