Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's shark week go big or go home
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
