god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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