I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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