totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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