I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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