he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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