And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
