he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
