As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
