I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We just shotgunned beers for America
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize