My nipple is on Facebook.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
