i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
