Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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