also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
