have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
