We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
