My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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