eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
