Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He did a backflip because drugs
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