Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
