Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
