batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize