Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Say something about gay babies.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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