I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
