i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I have fence marks all over my body
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
