She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
